Archive for ‘Cougar Diary’

Well, I do apologise most profusely for not being here lately; I’ve been otherwise occupied having far too much fun with my lovely toyboy, Tariq, before he heads off to trot the globe. Yes, he is leaving me soon, for pastures new on a whole other hemisphere far from here. Hopefully, he’ll be taking his youthful and capable medical hands to someone who needs their help – in a much different way to how they’ve been busy just recently.

If you think I’m going to get all ‘poor me’ and pine for him – think again! I shall not blub uncontrollably into my ruffled bedlinnen, or lie face down on it, forlornly taking huge gulping sniffs of his pillow. Also, I shall not frequent his Facebook page for years afterwards searching for ‘I’m so happy’ photos showing new lovers, or even weddings and children. I fully understood the situation from the outset – it was always ‘no strings’. Of course I’ll miss his taut young skin and toned buttock muscles (I helped with that), but I’m sure I’ll find similar elsewhere in future.

Hopefully, you’ve heard enough of my personal exploits to gain an insight into the freedom and pleasures of toyboy/cougar dating, so I’m going to draw a line under ‘me me me’ for the time being. Instead, I’ll be taking a sneaky peek at the goings-on in the wider community of younger men and their older lady lovers. I’ll also be making some suggestions about how you might improve your chances of joining in the fun.

Thank you for reading and may you all continue to be happy and satisfied in your relationship choices.

It’s so refreshing to have a relationship – whoops – affair/liaison/date where fun is of paramount importance. I’m done with house sharing, plan making, negotiating and compromising myself. That probably sounds terribly selfish, but I prefer to call it ‘self-full’. Sure, it’s comforting to come home to a cuddle and some support after a hard day’s work, but not if you’re the one doing all the propping-up.

This new decade business has made me reflective on how I arrived at these dating preferences I have. Jez is the fruit of a none-too-advisable union with an older man when I was at college. You could say I was ‘caught out’ and that it was an ‘accident’ but I prefer to take full responsibility for my own actions. Although Jez is a much-loved son, I did feel shackled at such an early age. I wound up hitched because I had a baby on the way and no job (still studying). I was also naïve – before long I was up to my eyes in nappies and basically became an unpaid housekeeper. If it wasn’t for an encouraging and dedicated tutor who thought I had talent, I might have totally dropped out of college. Instead, they gave me time out and I left Jez’s father to stay with my aunt. She helped me look after baby while I finished studying. Thank goodness for Auntie Eva!

So now it’s my time of life to have fun, and I had lots of that at the weekend when Tariq and I went sledging. The disadvantage of dating a younger man at this time of year is that he can run so much faster when pelting you with snowballs, and can make a fast getaway when you return the gesture. Of course, we were freezing and soaked from all that rolling around in the snow so unfortunately had to take off all our wet clothes when we got home and thaw out under a hot steamy shower. Shame!

I spent Xmas day with Jez and David (my son and his partner) at David’s parents’ place. They laid on a hearty spread and much fun was had. They seem very accepting of the situation (gay son settling down).

Having assumed they must be fairly liberal, I had no qualms, after a sherry or two, in answering their polite probing into my own personal life. So, the guffawing nonsense issued from David’s father came as somewhat of a surprise. However, I’ve come to expect this – many chaps of a certain age feel threatened by the idea of ‘their’ womenfolk jumping ship to date younger men. Especially at a time when male midlife, and midriff, crises are setting in and prowess could be waning! He very kindly warned me – for my own good you understand – to be on my guard in case Tariq had some sort of ‘mother’ complex, or that he was simply an impoverished student who wanted a sugar mummy. I just laughed it off – from behind my gritted teeth – so as not to cause a scene, for Jez’s sake.

When I’m this happy, the opinions of bigots just wash over me! Tariq is an educated young man (25yrs old) who likes an intelligent and sexy woman (me) with whom to have plenty of fun between hard bouts of study – a sexy woman who isn’t about to tie him down (not in the way you think at any rate). And I must say I’m very pleased to be part of his playtime!

He’s back from visiting his family over the holidays, so I’m looking forward to having someone to warm cockles with again on these bitterly cold nights, and to bring back some sparkle after the deflation of undressing the Xmas tree. I hope there’s no sign of deflation next time I’m disrobed…

I wasn’t sure whether the phone number in the brolly was just a joke on me c/o the sniggering men’s department staff but, hey, life’s no rehearsal, so I dialled anyway. How could I have doubted my own finely tuned frisson-finder? Smile-inducing as it was, it was no joke. Umbrella Fella (aka Tariq) and I commenced an ‘affair’ last week!

He explained that, due to being in medical school, he couldn’t extend to a fancy meal, so we went to a local noodle place and split the bill. We had a drink in the bar next door – a sort of ‘all ages’ venue frequented by anyone from art students who need a good dunking in a deep bath, to sophisticated pre-theatre goers. So, it’s an ideal place to keep camouflage if you don’t want your age-gap liaison to draw too much attention. You know the type of thing – is that his mother? Then you give him a lingering kiss on the mouth and, out of the corner of your eyes, watch their jaws drop.

Tariq expressly apologised for his ‘immature’ giggling workmates, explaining that they were probably only jealous since they had nothing as intriguing going on in their sad little lives. Intriguing? I have to say I was quite flattered. He’s working weekends in the shop to help fund his studies then he intends to go abroad and cut his teeth ‘in the field’. So, I’d better not get too attached, but, no problem, it’ll no doubt be fun while it lasts. We had another date since then  – and let me tell you – it certainly lasts!

It just remains for me to wish you a very Merry Xmas one and all. Ladies – be sure to fill those stockings with some tasty treats for someone special – preferably some which have been freshly waxed and moisturised!

Without wanting to go all Bridget Jones on you, I thought I’d take the opportunity to discuss the party-pants dilemma now that the festive season is in full swing.

We had our office do on Friday night, so I wore my new ‘something slinky’. But at my age, although I can just about pull it off, after a few party bites and a tummy sloshing with mulled wine, things can start to hang out a bit. So, I like to avoid this by opting for some figure-firming knickers, which span the area between armpit and mid-thigh thus creating a bronze statue effect!

However, if your ‘something slinky’ happens to work its magic then you might not be the only person ‘pulling it off’. So, if you end up with company later on, it’s going to be quite inconvenient for him, at 2 a.m., to hire a contraption from Tool Station to prize you out of the scaffolding!  Why not take along something suitably frilly to change into, in your handbag, just in case? If passionate explorations are on the cards, chances are that by that time you’ll both have had enough fizz not to notice any burgeoning bulges.

At the party, I managed to get chatting with Joel from IT. He’s thirty, and fresh out of a long-term relationship. He was certainly on a rebound flirt mission. I told him he must have a lot of fun, at this time of year, with a name like Joel – rhymes with Noël… So he well and truly shut me up under the mistletoe and after that I was, thankfully, lost for words. I didn’t pursue it though – I’m saving myself for my upcoming date with Umbrella Fella! So the scaffolding remained upright and intact that night.

I know you’re going to think this was all cunningly contrived, but I promise you it was an innocent lapse on my part. Remember my shopping trip last week? Well, I left my brolly in the men’s department where I bought the tie for my son – where I shamelessly flirted with the fetching young sales assistant.

Now, I might otherwise have avoided going back to pick it up out of sheer embarrassment, but it was a reliable and sturdy umbrella – one that I had, unusually, managed to keep in my possession for at least five years. And we have been having an awful lot of weather recently, so I bit the bullet and, after a quick squirt of favourite ‘never fails’ scent, off I went to reclaim my trusty old friend.

I have to admit that my heart was a bit of a flutter as I approached the third floor, but he was nowhere to be seen. Relieved but also slightly disappointed, I described my brolly to the (nowhere near as ‘tidy’) chap behind the checkout desk.  Rather disconcertingly, a broad grin unfurled across his face and he nodded knowingly!  He popped out the back to look for it, and I’m sure I could hear a strange stifled squawking coming from somewhere… As he presented me with my lost item, he looked like he was having some sort of seizure. I shot him my evilest ‘Paddington hard stare’.

Despite the obvious hilarity caused by my visit, I’m glad I went, because a few minutes later it started bucketing down. Up went the brolly and out fluttered a slip of paper! I fished it from the puddle and read an inky mobile number below the two magic words, ‘Call me!’ Now whose face was wearing a broad grin?

I’ve just arrived home from an exhausting Christmas shopping trip and couldn’t wait to share a few thoughts. If you’re lucky enough to have a wonderful grown-up son to shop for then, if you know where to look, you could end up with much more than sore feet and overloaded hemp bags…

I thought I’d treat Jez to a posh tie to wear at his forthcoming civil nuptials. I fought my way through the fretful crowds to some designer menswear departments.  I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before – these are just the right places to find handsome and eager-to-please young men who want to tend to your every need! I’m talking delightful menswear shop assistants. I’m sure they’re not all stereotypically gay either, especially the one who was giving me his full attention. I’m sure there was a flicker of frisson between us, but, of course, he could have been on commission! I had to stop myself from asking ‘are you free?’ And it would have been highly inappropriate for me to ask if I could measure his inside leg.

Let’s just say it took ever such a long time for me to decide on my purchase – I even had to get him to take off his own tie and try on a few to show me. Part of the reason it took so long was that I couldn’t quite manage to concentrate fully on the ties… He was definitely flirting with me! Mercenary or not, it gave me a bit of a lift and left me somewhat hot and flustered, so I had to go straight to the café for a frappé!

I think I might have conveniently developed a long-lost brother for whom I wish to buy a shirt…

If any of you ladies are thinking of going on a ‘miss breakfast’ diet in the hope that it will attract a younger man, then think again! If he wanted to get all tangled up with a bag of bones then he’d be going through the bins at the back of TGI Friday’s!

I believe­ – and perhaps I know from experience – that one of the reasons he, whoever he is, appreciates a maturer lady, is that he likes all the curves to be in all the right places! That, and our allure of confidence.

Why do you suppose so many dates involve food? Because it can be sensuous, especially if eaten in a sumptuous manner! Take a look at the steamy strawberry scene in Tess of the D’Urbevilles, where womanising Alec entices an innocent Tess with the fruit, or at Tom Jones, which contains a famous food-orgy scene. A hearty appetite at the table suggests a hearty appetite elsewhere, if you get my drift. And, if you’re both in somewhat of a hurry, the table may become the setting for activities other than dining…

So, if he offers to feed you a chocolate-covered strawberry by hand, then take full advantage – he’s not going to think you’ve turned into Miss Piggy. On the other hand, do check your pearly-whites, in the cutlery, for any leftover spinach; if things become more intimate later, he’s not going to want to get his tongue tangled up in your leftovers. After all, he’s going to need plenty of fuel to keep up with you!

And beware of presumptuously stealing food from under his nose. I made this terrible mistake once – toys were thrown out of prams and I had to buy him another desert! Not quite the result I’d hoped for.

Yesterday, I had a lunch date with someone very special. We went to a veggie place in Bath – his choice. Personally, I prefer to sink my freshly flossed canines into a juicy and medium-rare piece of former livestock, but I made an exception for him. After all, we were celebrating his birthday. I do partake in frilly leaves and lentils when the occasion, or even my health, requires it. And I’d do anything for him…

Yes, it’s time for you to become acquainted with my only son, Jez. He’s a title-sequence graphic designer for TV. I know what you’re thinking – perfect opportunity for me to meet handsome, eligible young men. Well, yes – and no! Jez is gay, as are many of his friends. And besides, I don’t think I could inflict on him the parental embarrassment of me dating one of his pals! Not that he totally disapproves of my ‘exploits’. In fact, sometimes he positively celebrates them, and is generally a very supportive son. Not that I haven’t had the opportunity, I might add. I have it on good authority that I’m in pretty good shape for my age – at least that’s what a certain younger conquest said when he happened to find out! Pilates helps – as does living on the top floor of a Georgian town house without a lift!

Jez and I do adhere to certain boundaries – we ‘shall not covet each other’s dates’ etc.

As well as celebrating his birthday, he also had some good news to share; he’s moving in with his boyfriend! So, while his mother is enjoying the middle-aged single life, he’s settling down. It’s all a bit topsy-turvy, but very modern – and I’m all for ‘very modern’ scenarios…